TEDDY'S ADDICTION

I don't look like myself.

I don't feel like myself.

I don't act like myself.

I don't sound like myself.

I'm just not me!

I don't know myself anymore.

Who am I?

I feel conflicted.

Maybe it's about time for my life to end. Everything feel as though it's going against me. Everything that I do is not what I want to do. I don't do things for myself but I do it for others. Call me dumb or obedient or whatever. My life feels worthless. Something of no value. I have to find for a reason to continue on living before it's too late. I am as lost as anyone in their life could ever be...

I am lost.

You know, I finished reading my "The Last Empress" by Anchee Min yesterday night. I think that the empress is someone worth saluting for trying her best for her family and for her country. Then, after I Google-d her up and found that everyone claims that she's a power crazy, selfish woman. Sigh. It makes me wonder whether it is true.

I've never really met anyone that selfish and power crazy at the same time before. Urm...

Oh! Maybe I've met someone like that. But not until that someone(she) deserves to be called selfish and power crazy...

Yes, she is very selfish, and yes, she is power crazy and the reason she does it is because... O.O

Oh no! She really is as power crazy as the empress! I can't believe I actually have a power crazy person befriending me. Well, who cares anyway. As long as my life is not affected by her power craze... Urm... not badly affected yet.

LOL.

Considering that there is an existence of the power crazy type of people in this world, I guess what everyone says about the empress being power crazy might be true after all...

Yesterday, (Tuesday, 26th August 2008) I was absent from school due to diarrhoea and I woke up late... So I stayed at home to give frequent visits to the toilet and a permanent stay with the bed. LOL.

Yesterday in school, they had a motivational program, in which they used RM6K to invite the guest, Dato' Dr. SMS (DDSMS)... Which is deemed Malaysia's first astronaut, that did not reach the moon... It is undeniable that he is the first Malaysian to go into space. However, I don't think there really is anything that GREAT to make such a big fuss about. I am undoubtedly proud as a Malaysian, for him for doing something that no Malaysian has ever done... But well, not until it makes me turn into fan-girl mode once I see him.

They call it a motivational program. If I were to have a say to whomever in charge of maintaining his "good" reputation, his image is tattered simply because he received money for giving motivational talks to students of a public school. Isn't he someone that want to make the country proud? Then he should just go school by school for motivational talks for free. In the case of my school, students which are daughters of the taxpayers which indirectly sponsored his trip to space. In my opinion, as a public figure, that is highly looked up by the younger generation of this developing country, it is very important to know that there are boundaries you must not cross. He can spend his time in the private sector giving "motivational" talks and get his hard earned money. I don't think it is right to suck money off naive school girls. They money that they used to pay him for this "motivational" talk, which in my opinion was nothing great, could have been used to renovate my rundown school which is 100 odd years old. The school should be either conserved as a heritage site or the money could have been used to upgrade the school. It is a waste of money to spend it on a short motivational talk that give the girls a chance to make a fool of themselves.

Putting that aside, I would now like to talk about these foolish girls...
As a girl myself, I understand that it is sometimes very hard to control ourselves when we see someone that catches our eyes. In my case, it would be Leehom. =D But I would not, I amend, I will not ever run towards the stage, pushing everyone out of their way, I will never grab parts(arms, legs, face, etc.) of the whomever that I like/love, and I will not shamelessly hoot, or squeal, neither will I put up posters or banners that will demerit myself. I understand that the mobsters that behave like that are feeling high and it is really difficult to control themselves. However, everything that one does, had it's consequences. The ones that pushed others to get their way, caused other girls to fall. The ones that simply grab the person, will create a traumatic experience for the person without actually meaning to. The ones that put up things that lower down one's dignity, will be looked down upon. Simple actions that was not given a second thought linked us to these unfortunate events. You reap what you sow. One of the reason I wrote these things in my blog entry this time was because of those girls that lost control over themselves. Please, control yourselves. I want them to know that there is always people that are watching their every behaviour and there is always someone that talks about what they do in the past, present and the coming future. Watch your back, people. *winks*

In the blink of an eye, my school break is coming to an end and the worst part is, I haven't had enough of it. I've only just finished reading a storybook. I've bought 2 more and there's another one that I really want to read that I didn't buy. Then I'm supposed to write a super short children story, spanning 500 words or less. How is that even possible?! I NEVER write short stories, I'm just too longwinded. Everyone knows me as someone that is superbly longwinded. Believe it or not, they recognise my essay just by the length of it! Some even fall asleep reading my messages when I was chatting with them... *sigh* Makes me wonder whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. I usually beat around the bushes and is always not straight to the point when I am writing things down. Wait! Don't judge me just yet. I am different when I'm talking to people. When I talk, I'm usually more direct. =D So... Well, never mind. I have no idea what I'm trying to say any longer. *snickers*

=D Yup! I hate a date with Val. Considering that everyone ditched me expect for Val, it's considered that we went on a date right?

We're supposed to meet up at 1pm in Midvalley... I was late for 2 hours... I didn't mean to be late. Yeah, though I did leave from home at 1pm, I didn't mean to take 2 hours to reach Midvalley. There was some complications at the LRT station and I was stranded for quite some time there. Meanwhile, Val ate by herself at La Manila... By the time I reach Midvalley, it was minutes from 3pm. We didn't manage to catch a movie. *sigh* I know it's my fault... I know I'm wrong. Val didn't even scold me when I reach. Instead, she hugged me. *sobs* I have such nice friends. I miss them a lot. *sobs*

Come! Guess where this is. This is the place where Val and I went after deciding that we don't want any movies. =D

 
Clue!

Able to guess yet? =D
Never mind...
I know you won't be able to guess. =D
We went to The Gardens. Searched for storybooks in BORDERS and went for hot chocolate in Starbucks! =D It was Val's treat. See~ Just like a date, huh? *grins* Too bad I don't fall for people so easily. *laughs*

I've read 2 chapters of Memnoch the Devil. One of the book in Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles. *grins*
I LOVE LESTAT!!!

Yeah. That's what we did for our date. *smiles* Doing what we love best. Reading and spending time with each other. =D

Then we went home...

P.S~ Thanks Val, I had lots of fun! A hug for you. A kick for those that ditched us. =D

Half of my school break has gone by... Well, I know there are a lot of things that I've not mention in my blog but school life is too hectic. School break is well... I'm trying to make it into a dream holiday. =D

Yeah, I know I've never mentioned anything about my Orientation Ball Day 2008 in my blog before. So, I'm mentioning about it now. =D

It is tomorrow... The eventful and memorable day. I'm going to perform my first Indian Dance in public... I wonder how many people is going to be present tomorrow. LOL. Hopefully there'll be a lot. I don't like watching my effort go wasted. Heck, it's not my own effort too. Most of the Lower 6-ers are involved. So, do try to come. Everyone in the age range of 17-20 is invited. =D

Event: Orientation Ball Day 2008
Theme: COLOURS
Venue: SMK Convent Bukit Nanas
Date: 15th August 2008 (Friday)
Time: More or less 2.00pm until roughly 6.30pm

Is there anything I left out?... I don't think so. Urm... We'll be having talent shows as well. =D Then some other school has offered to perform too. =D Entry fee is only RM10. Food is provided. There'll be souvenirs as well. Then there will also be games and a lot of other performances. =D Do come.

1. What is the relationship of you with him/her?
:: Friends. Enemies? Boss and subordinate?
2. Your 5 impressions towards him/her?
:: Blur
:: Panicky
:: Hardworking
:: Materialistic
:: Lucky
3. The most memorable thing he/she has done for you?
:: Since we're friends, just being together is memorable enough.
4. The most memorable thing he/she has said to you?
:: That would be... "I love you so much that you will love me until someone I love loves me. LOL. Fine. Too complicated for you to understand." I understood it... And I find the sentence a bit off. I even sent her a correction of the sentence. =P
5. If he/she becomes your lover, you will..
:: I'm sorry. I just can't imagine it happening between us...
6. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will..
:: Enemies do not exist in my dictionary. There are only people that I care about and people that I don't give a damn about. I guess I won't do anything to people that I don't give a damn about? There won't be any fire without a spark. I will not do anything unless provoked.
7. If he/she becomes your lover, he/she has to improve on..
:: ... My lover... Haven't given any thought on what kind of lover I want. I guess, she'll have to stop being panicky, since I won't be able to be with her all the time.
8. If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason is..
:: ... my stubbornness? Should be... something to do with differences in our opinions.
9. The most desirable thing to do for him/her is?
:: I don't understand the question... Maybe it's "The most desirable thing that he/she wants?". Then my answer would be, MONEY! LOL!!!
10. The overall impression of him/her is..
:: She's a not bad girl. I wouldn't have befriended someone I don't like would I? She has a slightly above average level of perverseness in her. LOL.
11. How do you think the people around you will feel about you?
:: It's either they're intimidated by me or they find me funny at all times... Which I don't understand why...
12. The character for you for yourself is?
:: Don't understand the question... If it were, "Define your own character". I shall say, I am opinionated.
13. On contrary, the character you hate of yourself is?
:: There's nothing that I hate about my own character... Nope. I can't think of anything yet.
14. The most ideal person you want to be is?
:: Ideal... There's no one other than myself.
15. For the people who care about and likes you, say something about them.
:: Thank you for you love and care...

Ten people to tag.
1. Vivian C.
2. Danusha
3. Natalie M.
4. Stick
5. Danu's "friend", Joey (a stranger to me)
6. Kim
7. Sherrie Y. (Can do the tag when she creates a blog)
8. Valerie L. (Can do the tag when she creates a blog)
9. Nuranisa Rafik
10. Sarah Arina

Who is number 2 having a relationship with?
:: The last I heard was Nalaka... Wait, was it Weijie or Chris? Or was it Arjan? If I'm not mistaken, it was Amanda... married in Facebook... *scratches head* I have no idea. LOL. Just joking. I know she's dating Nalaka. Relationship... Erm... If you consider dating, relationship then it's Nalaka.

Is number 3 a male of a female?
:: Female. Related by blood.

If number 7 and 10 were together would it be a good thing?
:: Urm... I don't see it working. no.7 is taken.

How about number 5 and 8?
:: Hahaha! I think anyone being together with no.5 would be like living in hell.

What is number 1 studying about?
:: Studying about? Maths, Econs, PA, Business, MUET. For STPM.

When was the last time you had a chat with them?
1.:: 5 hours ago
2.:: 6 hours ago
3.:: 6 hours ago
4.:: 2 days ago
5.:: I don't know her personally... Only heard stories about her. =P
6.:: A day ago
7.:: A day ago
8.:: 9 hours ago
9.:: 3 days ago
10.:: 4 days ago

Is number 4 single?
:: She's attached. LOL.

Say something about 6?
:: Brings me food at school when she's free from college on Fridays. =D I love you KIM! Miss you! Come and visit me more often. Next time remember to bring everyone else with you. I miss Siew, Sherrie, Val, Daisy, Danu and Banu as well! Oh! Come for my OB Day! You don't have to bring food on that day. Food is provided. =D

It never fails to amuse me how much similar being friends and being strangers are. Being a stranger to another is when other people don't tell you anything personal. They don't consider you trustworthy, therefore they don't tell you anything about themselves.

My "friends" don't consider me trustworthy and they are always shrug off my question when I ask them whether there is anything wrong. So, I guess they are strangers to me. Or am I a stranger to them? Well, I have no idea why they don't tell me their problems.

I've always thought that my "friends" only come to me when they're having trouble and their happy times are shared with people other than me. I don't really mind being a float, as long as they're happy. But as time passes, even their trouble is no longer my trouble and their happy times, unheard of at all. Are they not happy? Not that I mind not hearing anything about their happiness and unhappiness, it's just that when I don't hear anything at all from them, I will start to wonder whether, they're doing well. Am I their friend? Or am I just another stranger to them? Am I not trustworthy enough? Is there anything unsatisfactory about me? I know I am not a great friend... I'm sort of cold-blooded. *sigh*

I've always thought that if you want to keep any type of relationship alive, you'll have to be honest with each other. It seems that my "friends" don't agree to this, as none of them keep me updated with anything. Nothing about their recent news. Happy? Unhappy? Well, I shouldn't care so much about them. They are STRANGERS after all.

School life is so full of activities. I'm exhausted. In a week, I started off with my Spot talk. The next day, I had to continue decorating my prefects board.... To no avail... My efforts were wasted anyway... The third day of school, I didn't sleep to rush my homework because my book-checking is on Friday. I didn't manage to finish all. Then the day after, there were Korean visitors in school... Something to do about wanting to know the education system in Malaysia. Which was also the reason why my Committee members had to help me clean up the prefect's room.I find it unfair for us to having to rush to clean up the room when what we did weren't appreciated... Not even an acknowledgement of our effort. It's a though the room was same as what it used to be. Which is not! We rearranged the furniture! Sigh... Never mind. I'll treat the one of these days. On that same day, I missed a full day's classes and I stayed in school until 5pm to try to finish up some of my work. With Vivian. Thanks, Viv. Though I did manage to finish some, there were still a lot more to be done. Then... because of extreme exhaustion and it was also the time of the month, after finish cleaning myself up, I took my nap at 8pm... I slept through to the next day at 6am... Didn't do any of my leftover homework after all... But I had to pass up my work... So there were quite a lot of blank pages... I'd like to extend my sincerest apologies to my Maths teachers... but I guess they don't read my blog... Oh, and on the same day, which is now Friday, we went to TARC for "Festival of the Mind"... It might be helpful to some, but I think I've had enough talks about memory power and the low quality talk of ESP.... They can be left-out from my planner next year...

Today is one of the scariest days of my life...

I did my spot talk today. I seriously did not expect my name to be called. I was hyperventilating once I heard my name. Neh. Actually, I started hyperventilating even before the assembly began. Well, whatever it is, let bygones be bygones. I can now proudly say that I have been there and done that. Somehow, despite my nervousness, some minor interruptions and there were also parts where I skipped, I still had fun. =D Oh yeah, it's an original script, no plagiarism please.

The worst thing about boys

Good morning, teachers, friends and everybody else. Today, I will give you a reason for us to avert our eyes when we see this group of people making a pass at us. The reasons why at times, we should agree with what our headmistress says. Are you able to guess what my topic for today is?

My topic for today is the worst thing about boys. I’m sure many of you have in one way or another gotten involved with boys. Maybe during tuition lessons, where the slight graze of the skin by the handsome boy that sits next to you caused a tingling sensation to run down your spine, or talking to each other, waiting for time to pass while taking the same transport home, or perhaps a glimpse of him picking his own nose! Yes, I’m not here to talk about their good points, I’m here for the bad stuff.

To me, the worst thing about boys is that boys are egoistical beings. Before I begin my elaboration on it, can I see a show of hands on how many people agreeing on this statement? (Allow me to voice out what is on your mind. / How could you not? Don’t worry; I will give you a chance to agree with me.)

Since birth, boys were conditioned by their parents and society to think that the world revolves around them. They were pampered; given everything they wished for, allowed to get away with misbehaviors throughout their life which we, girls are not allowed to. Just because his mom or his sisters always clean up his room for him, he expects his future wife to be the one to do all the cleaning up as well. The mother’s attitude of letting her son gets away with everything, caused the boy to think that females have no backbone. His upbringing molded him to think that girls must stay at home to cook and boys will go outside for work. It gives him a reason to think that all male are supreme beings because they provide for the family and all female are dumb because they stay at home doing nothing, which in fact is totally not true! The family would crumble if there wasn’t a mother or sister to take care of things at home. Furthermore, many females have a successful career and yet they can still take care of their family. I truly believe that if given a chance, females can do much better than males in many fields but because of male ego, the boys don’t allow any girls a chance to break into the field that are dominated by males, trapping females in a corner.

The thing you will never fail to notice about boys is that they never admit defeat. They will always try to get people to agree with them. Believe it or not, when their opinion is not accepted, they will ignore you and search for someone that agrees with their opinion. When it happens, they’ll become great buddies in an instant. That is male ego. When someone agrees with him, they’re his friends. When they disagree with him, they’re his enemies.

Other than that, the admiration that boys have for superhero that are generally dominated by the male species such as Superman, Batman, Spiderman and Ultraman are giving off a wrong idea to the boys. It makes them want to be a hero, thinking that being a superhero is all about saving maidens in distress. Since from young, they learnt from fairytales, that when a boy is able to save a girl from a monster, the girl will fall in love with the boy. With the mindset that all girls are weak physically and needed protection from the boys, make the boys egoistical.

Before you get all your feathers ruffled, I believe that there are still some redeeming qualities in males. If you really get to know your father, brothers, other male relatives and male friends, you’d know that they’re actually like turtles with a hard shell on the outside but are very sensitive on the inside. I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s spot talk. Thank you and have a nice day.

Tadaa~! I survived! Anyway, thanks to everyone that praised me. I know it's good for you but I know there are still rooms for improvement. Thanks again for everyone that supported me. Also special thanks to Raihan and Sughi for asking for encore of the talk during our way home. I know I'm actually quite boring a person. But well, as long as life is good, nothing matters. =D Also to Vivian, for standing where she was while I was giving the talk. =D I love Aish's arm. LOL. Nice to grab when nervous. *winks* THANK YOU!

• I've always wondered why was I ever born into the world. My parents seem to always be focusing all their attention to my siblings. Sometimes, they make me feel as though I'm just an extra baggage to them, considering that it is most couple's dream to only have a pair of kids. My mom once told me that she actually wanted me to be a boy and I'm sure that if given a choice to go back in time, she would still want a boy instead of me.
  
• I'm now a prefect in school. There are a lot of things that I no longer have the liberty of doing anymore. I no longer am allowed to make noise along with the other students during assembly. Instead, I have to frown and ask them to keep quiet all the time. My face aches from all the frowning.
  
• In class, I feel as though I am losing touch. My friends that I am close with no longer discuss "things" with me simply because I am a prefect and that I sit further away from them now. 
• I know I am a person who has a lot of opinion. Everyone turns to me for advice most of the time but no one cares about how sick I am of their problems... I HAVE MY OWN PROBLEMS TOO!
  
• I would like to stab everyone that calls me cute. GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so NOT CUTE!
• I'm buried by homework because of my procrastination. They're piling up and the book checking session is in the beginning of August. I'm so dying and yet I am still here blogging. Well, I don't mind studying. I don't mind doing research. I just don't like homeworks. They're such a hassle.
  
• I'm tired of people not being able to plan things properly and bring trouble onto me. For example the coming OB Day which the form 6-ers have to do. I am involved with the cultural dances. I understand that I am not a good dancer. Just kick me out if you don't want me dancing with you. I'm tired of all the sudden cancellation of practices. Grr... Why can't anyone work along peacefully? I don't want to be the middle person. It's as though things cannot be solved by discussion. If you really want a piece of my mind, I will tell you now. IT IS EVERYONE'S FAULT FOR NOT COOPERATING. FOR GOD'S SAKE, BLAME YOURSELF FOR THE MISTAKES YOU MADE! DON'T BLAME OTHERS. IF YOU REALLY THINK YOU'RE NOT THE ONE IN WRONG, THEN CLARIFY YOUR STAND! DON'T BE A COWARD BY PULLING OUT OF THINGS JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE OBSTACLES! GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• I have a very weak body. What I mean by that is when I go out at night for a walk in the cold air or if I take my bath at night, I will get sick the next day because I cannot stand getting cold. One day, I might die of pneumonia. If I don't die of it, then there is a possibility that I might die of diabetis, high blood pressure, stroke, heart attack, cancer or kidney failure. One of it will happen to me one day. Now, it's just a matter of which one and when it will happen.
  
• Sometimes I feel like strangling my friends... I don't understand why can't they try standing on their own two feet. Just because it's your first time driving and you drove badly doesn't give you a license to whine to me and expect me to comfort you. I'm no comforter. 
• Give me my life back...